Back around January, I was catching up with an acquaintance in the publishing space and mentioned I was contemplating writing reviews again, purely for fun. “Nobody is running album reviews anymore,” he generously corrected me, “that’s all happening on video now.” He listed off a bunch of mongoloid influencers I will die knowing nothing about. When all the dipshits are herding in the same direction, walk somewhere better and stake your claim. I decided it was the perfect time to build a platform on actual English words.
On Cinco de Mayo, I did just that. Two months later, I am richer than ever. Sadly, these two facts are completely unrelated, but I am surprised by how many publicists and artists have hit me up directly since I launched the site. Please: stop. I have zero difficulty choosing my next targets. Just keep putting points on the board and I’ll have no other choice but to cover your work. That said, some of you are surprisingly interesting people. I appreciate surprises.
Rap is a war against the whole world. Collaborations and camaraderie aside, most of us are trying to be The Best. What that precisely means varies, tremendously, but the war of all against all remains. This is why rap has such resonance with the older myths of the cowboys, criminals, samurai & shamans before us.
Emceeing, as live performance, is an ancient magic act far older than electronic music, older than English. Older than a lot of existing mountain ranges, too. Humans have been hypnotizing each other almost as long as we’ve been human. Rap culture is something different. It didn’t begin with the first goofy motherfucker to get up on the mic at the party on some “I’M BIG BANK HANK! AND I’M HERE TO SAY! THAT I BIT THESE BARS! EVERY LAST PAAAAGE!”
No, it started when people in the audience thought to themselves: “Shit, I could do it better than this bozo.” They did, and now we’re here.
The biggest surprise so far is much great new music there is. I say that as a longtime advocate of rap music. I have never lamented the good old days and I have never written a premature obituary for hip hop, unlike a lot of you sad bitch “writer” nerds over the past two decades. All those tens of thousands of carefully edited words, and you have never once gotten a single inch outside your own fragile skulls. Fuck you all, verily.
So for all the petty, passing complaints I register at R3AL Y3TI RAP, the here & now is a beautiful, psychedelic place to be. The Genre has never been so thriving, so electric, or so global. I’m still going to put a lot of you up against the wall face-first this year, rest assured, but I’m also going to keep leaning into the wholesome & necessary task of highlighting greatness.
Doing God’s work, Monday through Friday. We’re back in the office and our competition is going out of business. See you at the top.